Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Ugh *may contain naughty language*

Many people have inquired about me posting how I got things on my mind and such... Many have speculated on the problem (no Pops, still not pregnant, nor trying to get there)... and many are kinda just bewildered by it.

There are a couple of things on my mind that I won't go into because I don't know who really reads this blog, so no use in getting that shit storm started.
But I will let you know a few things..
One, I am trying to quit smoking... taking Chantix.. been taking it. At first, some mild vomiting, then the really strong urge to want to swallow the barrel of a gun (should have searched the internet for 'people with previously diagnosed mental instability taking this crap'), then the moment of "AHHH I don't want to smoke anymore".. that lasted 8 glorious days.. with a few more days of vomitting, even sitting outside with people smoking all around me for 2 days.. no problem, then some more vomitting, now where do I stand?...6 DAMN lbs heavier. (If someone says "work out it will help".. I will come to your house and shove a Little Debbie up your butt.. ok?) I like to smoke, I enjoy smoking and dammit I want to really really bad but I want to bathe when I do and it doesn't taste right, but I want to be able to smoke socially because I enjoy it but I already feel guilty about it... I am getting the second refill for the medicine.
But not once do I want to read a comment or an email about "oh, keep going.. you are doing great" because honestly, J is the King of positive affirmation and right now it just makes me want to swallow razor blades. (I know he has it tough, I am waiting on the day he doesn't come home). I will start to put something like "Day 1, Day 1 again" on the top of all my posts and you will know how I am doing.. please please please.. don't ask. I know I have support.. just make it silent support please.

The whole resentment thing I wrote about... well, life I guess...
One hand I got THE life you know,.. sit at home eating bon bons, watching Oprah and having two perfect little angels running around with daisies singing "When the saints come marching in". I have the life anyone would dream of.
Seriously though... I got the job most mom's would dream of.. staying at home watching their little bundles turn into contributing members of society.. eventually. How could I resent anything about life?
Well, that for 1. People, friends, family basically making me feel like dog shit because I might have a hard time or want to get away from the singing daisies every now and then. I have to feel guilty because some people don't get that opportunity, so I need to just keep my damn mouth shut.
And since I am a stay at home mom, I should be this perfect person.. non-smoking, non cussing, Martha Stewart making everything, Donna Reed "yes sir dear", house is perfect and you should sit back while our perfect kids bring you bourban and a cigar while I cook and clean and be the perfect little 1950's conservative...
***PLEASE NOTE.. J DOESN'T EXPECT THIS OF ME... there are times I do though.
I love my children and would lay down my life today for either of them. Sometimes I feel like I have given up who I truly am because of them. Totally my decision apparently, but now they will never really know the person I really am.. the person their father could not get enough of.. *wink wink*... I know who I have become is not who I ever wanted to be. I think J worries about me leaving him sometimes because how completely unstable I am.. but honestly, I would only leave him to give him break from the complete HELL he has endured.
Then, I think,.. damn, my kids don't deserve for me to be in this state.... then it goes back to the whole perfect mother thing.. it is a cycle... like menstural.

Confused yet?

I know that my career is on hold until the kids are off to school... I am an Engineer.. most of my learning is based on up to date information... if I stay out of that 10 years or longer (I know some will fight this.. but I have done my research), I might as well kiss my Master's and BS goodbye because it ain't gonna be worth the paper it is screen printed on... oh, my career goes with that. I have already kissed the company goodbye that I really really loved working for (mind you, I would do it again in a heartbeat to get another first year with G), and that paid really really really well. I have until October 2009 to take my Professional Engineering exam, but when the hell and I am going to study for that. Most people in the midst of their careers study for over a year and still don't pass... So obviously another kid is out of the question. Which sucks... bigtime..

Oh well..
I am done ranting for now.. I prolly won't rant anymore for a while.
Sorry I hoarded the post with that crap.
Ok.. a precious pic for your entertainment..


something...maybe...special said...

Well, I know you don't want positive affirmation, so I won't give it to you. I worry about feeling the same way you do. Now mind you, I don't have a degree, but I do have stuff I want to do with my life and will putting it off to raise a child mean that I just won't get to do it? Will part of me resent the decision and by extension, from time to time, the kid and the husband. I don't "understand" what you are going through, but I can try to put myself in your shoes. Keep blogging, it gives me insight, thanks.

Jana said...

I won't say anything except I think most of us can relate to you in some way.

Emmilu said...

You are being really hard on yourself. I'm sorry you are so upset.

parkersmom (Tracie) said...

I could have written this post..all except for the smoking and engineering parts. But the whole mom thing - understand 1,000%.