There are a couple of things on my mind that I won't go into because I don't know who really reads this blog, so no use in getting that shit storm started.
But I will let you know a few things..
One, I am trying to quit smoking... taking Chantix.. been taking it. At first, some mild vomiting, then the really strong urge to want to swallow the barrel of a gun (should have searched the internet for 'people with previously diagnosed mental instability taking this crap'), then the moment of "AHHH I don't want to smoke anymore".. that lasted 8 glorious days.. with a few more days of vomitting, even sitting outside with people smoking all around me for 2 days.. no problem, then some more vomitting, now where do I stand?...6 DAMN lbs heavier. (If someone says "work out it will help".. I will come to your house and shove a Little Debbie up your butt.. ok?) I like to smoke, I enjoy smoking and dammit I want to really really bad but I want to bathe when I do and it doesn't taste right, but I want to be able to smoke socially because I enjoy it but I already feel guilty about it... I am getting the second refill for the medicine.
But not once do I want to read a comment or an email about "oh, keep going.. you are doing great" because honestly, J is the King of positive affirmation and right now it just makes me want to swallow razor blades. (I know he has it tough, I am waiting on the day he doesn't come home). I will start to put something like "Day 1, Day 1 again" on the top of all my posts and you will know how I am doing.. please please please.. don't ask. I know I have support.. just make it silent support please.
The whole resentment thing I wrote about... well, life I guess...
One hand I got THE life you know,.. sit at home eating bon bons, watching Oprah and having two perfect little angels running around with daisies singing "When the saints come marching in". I have the life anyone would dream of.
Seriously though... I got the job most mom's would dream of.. staying at home watching their little bundles turn into contributing members of society.. eventually. How could I resent anything about life?
Well, that for 1. People, friends, family basically making me feel like dog shit because I might have a hard time or want to get away from the singing daisies every now and then. I have to feel guilty because some people don't get that opportunity, so I need to just keep my damn mouth shut.
And since I am a stay at home mom, I should be this perfect person.. non-smoking, non cussing, Martha Stewart making everything, Donna Reed "yes sir dear", house is perfect and you should sit back while our perfect kids bring you bourban and a cigar while I cook and clean and be the perfect little 1950's conservative...
***PLEASE NOTE.. J DOESN'T EXPECT THIS OF ME... there are times I do though.
I love my children and would lay down my life today for either of them. Sometimes I feel like I have given up who I truly am because of them. Totally my decision apparently, but now they will never really know the person I really am.. the person their father could not get enough of.. *wink wink*... I know who I have become is not who I ever wanted to be. I think J worries about me leaving him sometimes because how completely unstable I am.. but honestly, I would only leave him to give him break from the complete HELL he has endured.
Then, I think,.. damn, my kids don't deserve for me to be in this state.... then it goes back to the whole perfect mother thing.. it is a cycle... like menstural.
Confused yet?
Good
I know that my career is on hold until the kids are off to school... I am an Engineer.. most of my learning is based on up to date information... if I stay out of that 10 years or longer (I know some will fight this.. but I have done my research), I might as well kiss my Master's and BS goodbye because it ain't gonna be worth the paper it is screen printed on... oh, my career goes with that. I have already kissed the company goodbye that I really really loved working for (mind you, I would do it again in a heartbeat to get another first year with G), and that paid really really really well. I have until October 2009 to take my Professional Engineering exam, but when the hell and I am going to study for that. Most people in the midst of their careers study for over a year and still don't pass... So obviously another kid is out of the question. Which sucks... bigtime..
Oh well..
I am done ranting for now.. I prolly won't rant anymore for a while.
Sorry I hoarded the post with that crap.
Ok.. a precious pic for your entertainment..
4 comments:
Well, I know you don't want positive affirmation, so I won't give it to you. I worry about feeling the same way you do. Now mind you, I don't have a degree, but I do have stuff I want to do with my life and will putting it off to raise a child mean that I just won't get to do it? Will part of me resent the decision and by extension, from time to time, the kid and the husband. I don't "understand" what you are going through, but I can try to put myself in your shoes. Keep blogging, it gives me insight, thanks.
I won't say anything except I think most of us can relate to you in some way.
You are being really hard on yourself. I'm sorry you are so upset.
I could have written this post..all except for the smoking and engineering parts. But the whole mom thing - understand 1,000%.
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